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MUSCLE CARS AND HOT RODS
i hate candy aint got no flower screw the imports ive got more power
i give kids powderd dohnuts on halloween, if you dont get this within the next minute, dont think about anymore becouse
your encrediiblely stewpid
well my little girl she's at that age when she's in her room on the internet and listening to her boombox and little
boys are callin. oh my god there was a boy who called at 2 in the mornin.oh yeah i lost it.for one thing i was asleep in lala
land with shania twain up in the mountains and then i hear the phone ring and im like whos got a phone in the mountains.well
as soon as i wake up im already pissed off so i answer and i go HELLO! and this boy goes uh is emily there.and i go dude if
you have a brain in your skull you will hang this phone up right now.CHINK!(slaming of phone on reacever).and my wife goes
bill you got to be nice.and i go no mam nice stops at midnight.
Bill Engvall
i had a horible night mare, last night, i drept i drunk the worlds largest margareata, next morning i woke up and
there was salt on the toilet lid, thank god i didnt eat the worm inside
larry the cable guy
i was watchin tv last night and this guy came on, he was a telivangulist, he says " do you feel lonly" yes "have
you spent half you life in bars pursuiing sins of the flesh" man this guys good "are you sitting in a bean bag chair naked
eatin cheatos" yes sir " do you feel the need to get up and send me a thousand dollars" close, i thought he was talking about
me for a second there
ron white
some people say women age like fine whine, my literature teacher ages like milk
me
yesterday i saw something taht came close to truth in advertising, the dabeers people are almost sayin what they realy
mean, the first slogan was "dimonds are forever" the sencond slogan what "dimonds, take her breath away" the new slogan is
"dimonds, render speachless", why dont they jsut go ahead and say it "dimonds, that'll shut her up" for a minute
ron white
i jsut bought 0ne of those fancy vans, chevy, its got one of those james bond seats in the back were in fold in to a
bed when you push a buttun so i went to my brother in laws house, oh my god he is so snoody, i show it to him and he says,
well i cant belive that you didnt buy a mercadies benz, i have 3 inch wiper blades on my head lights for raiiny days. yeah,
well ive got a place to fuck you sister.
ron white
this lady walked up to me in the groceriey store the other day and she said i agreed with my husband that if we
ever met you, we would tell you this rednick thing, im like well shure i love talking to people, and she says, my uncle got
his nipple bitten off by a beaver, you are almost reqired to say how did that happen" so she told me the hole story and it
went like this well aperintly her brother and her uncle were goin down to there cabin and tehy hit a beaver and it slid down
in to the ditch, so they went afer it in the ditch, he uncle walked up to the beaver and picked it up, and said "it aint bloody
er tore up er notin" and aperintly nuttin is what springs a deadbeaver back to life becouse it at that point in time it lurched
out and bit his nipple off, didnt bite it bit in off, o f f off bit it off, that a new kind a hurt right there, i bet that
the only time in history, that on the headline of a newspaper, it could have the words beaver and nipple in the same sentance
and noone would be offended
jeff foxworthy
what is this world coming to
what is the world coming to, last night i saw somone going to a enternet site on a guys artificial leg, its just a plactic
leg who gives a shit, what is our world coming to, i saw this lady she was talkinga bout trash cans and out of the blue she
says, if it wasnt for the horse i wouldent have spent that year in collage, now do not think about that for more than 3 minutes
or your head will explode, you konw that desise that makes your vains in your head explode for no apperent reason, its not
even a disise, its from stupid people say things like this then thinking about it to long!
me
ok i was talking to this guy from canada, and he invited me to go ice fishing in canada, and im like isnt it a little
cold, he says oh no he go out on the lake and build a big bond fire, im like and you call us stupid. jeff foxworthy
on the fifth day of christmas my true love gave to me, 5 flanel shirts, 4 big mud tyers, 3 shot gun shells, 2 hunting
dogs, and some parts to a mustang gt jeff foxworthy
i had went to a wedding, it was my sisters, and the receptoin was at hooters, i know i konw but anyway, but any
way we were there and our our waitress what qualified to work there she was fine you know what i mean, and my dad is lookin
at her and im like no he cant say it and he did, he goes, damn gurl whered you get those, she isnt offended or anything, she
jsut says, " i bout em
bill engvall
barney, now we know why all the disasours and gone, barney walkes up to them says " heya were ya goin fellas" were going
to kill ourselfs barney, its a hell of a alot better than hangen out with you
some one
i got a letter from a 3rd grader it went like this dear mister man, i think your funny ilove you, do
you have pimples, do you like cats, who is your favorite race car driver, why do you like girls, has your toilet ever over
flowed? i resoponed dear question asken kid no, no, dick trickle, big ti*s, and many
times
one of my freands moved to LA, and he became a vegitarian, not becouse they made you fat, it was becouse they take
up space when you are raising them, well anyway he was at the bar and he was eaten a salad and he looked horible, looked like
he was going to throw up.well i asked him what was wrong and he said "i think that vegitable soup i had, had beef broth in
it" i looked at him with my mouth dropped and the only thing i could say was " your system's kicken back
broth. wow your a manly man now arnt you. ron white
whoa have you realized what its going to be like in 50 years, all of todays 20 and 30 year old are going to be old, emagine
wheel have wheel chairs with 24' on them, old wemon are going to have nice boobs, so many implants theyll have cancer tho,
whell be at the house our grandkids will come in youll go ah let me turn on some music, then the next thing you know we pull
out a boombox and blow the dust off a cd cover turn the boombox on and guess whatl, wheel be lisinging to nelly, then wheel
tell them about our experences, hey bro come on over here i wana tell you about a kick ass game, it was called packman, you
went around a bow and you where a circle and you chased these other circles then when you got to them you got to eat fruit,
thell be like right grandpa lets get you that medicaitoin. think about it i mean there will be more deaths of the elderly
on 2002 crotchrockets than everything else combined, someone walks in to a flower shop and says heya i need some flowers for
my grandpa he died 98. the clerk responds 98 howd he die, howde he die what you think he crashed is harly at bike week
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just to prove i know a little to much about cars for my age(i was 11 when i wrote this)
fuel injection is the rapid injection of fuel directily in to the engine fuel injection on semi's has GPS in it so it
can monitor the amount of fuel that is injected in to the motors while in certion areas, as in more fuel while in the mountains
when it reqires more power to go up steep hills or less when in a desert where it is flat and less power is needed. hemi is
a dodge motor that has a hemispherical combustion chamber that alows better cerculation of fuel. it got its name from that
same reason. GTO stands for Grand turismo otimo. trans am was a race for stock cars off the production line. one of the ways
to tell a big block to a small block is the valve covers on a big block are wider than a small blocks. mopar shifters were
long and required a long stroke to shift. the 3 cars that remained the same were the camero, the fire bird, and the trans
am. the body of a corvette is all fiberglass, the pinto had the gas tank directly in the back of the car, making that if you
were rear ended it would most likely explode, this is what ended its production. the first person to drive a hemi dragster
to the winter nationals was don garlits. john delorian helped make the GTO and he desingd the delorian. traction bars conect
to the leaf springs to prevent it from buckling, when motor is producing power the torke is put to the pavment with the tyers,
but the torke must move threw the axel first, making the axel twist, becouse the leaf springs are conected to the axle, they
buckle, one end of the spring, moves down and the other moves up, making the tyers bounce,( this is why you see single
lines on roads, its from some one peeling out and the one tyer jumps off of the ground) the leaf spring conect to the axel,
not alowing the wheels to bounce when it buckles, becouse it doesent buckle with traciton bars on it. most ta/fc (top alcohal
funny car)have about 1500- 2000 horse power depending on track conditions. a sling shot dragster is a dragster that has the
enigne in the front of the driver, but has no body, just a aluminum shell around the chassis the smallest production car ever
made by the chevy motor company was the 1972 vega. a muscle car is a small car with a big block or a large cid engine small
block. rat rod is a reg car with a big block in it. there is no difrence between a small block motor mount and a big block
motor mount. to a point puting air ducting on a car would make a turbo efect but only to the extent of a ram air. ram
air is a large quantity of air that has enought psi stored in ducting to charge the motor by forcing air in to the fuel injectoin/carburature
but not enought to result as a super charger. a 3 point roll cage has a bar that comes from the roof bar to the passnger side,
with the shoulder bar going only to a point of the roof bar that leads to the passenger a 4 point has a roof bar that extends
from bolth sides of the car, with a shoulder bar all the wasy across, and reinforcements on bolth sides that lead to the back
off the car. the term horse power came from a man working as a coal miner, he found that a heathy horse on average could
pull 500 pounds of coal on its back for about 300 meters. alcoahal motors have lower compersion that a nitro becouse nitro
is a oxegyn containg fuel. police dectors only recognse the radar that they use olnly when in use. almost every car in america
has fuel injeciton. the drive shaft would shake on a impala from the position of the motor and the wheels. a 4 speed mucie
is smaller than a aoutomatic transmission, there was a swiss buik, not becouse it was actually swiss but its name was swiss
cheese for the fact that there had been 1 inch holes drilled in the frame to reduce wait. modern chassis on funny cars and
dragsters are made of chromemolly. the alcohal funny cars need wheely bars more than nitro funny car even though they have
less power, becosue the produce more rpm and lounch a blower on a alchalhal motor or nitro must have 13 thousanths clerance
for it not to weld itself together from the plate and the bearings, cid is the term for mesuring how big a motor is, it means
c- cubic i- inches d- displacment, 5.8 liters is a v-8 while a 2. 4 is a 4 silender(kind of obviuse) the old 4 cylinders
worked on a 4 stroke aprerating system, the first stroke the intake opens the and the fuel is sucked in to the
clynder the second stroke is the compression stroke were the valve closes and the piston moves up and the fuel is compressed,
on the third stroike, the power stroke were the spark plug makes a electric spark and it pushes the piston back down, on the
last stroke, the exoust stroke the exoust valve opens and the gasses are push out of the cylender, this process repeats itsself
over and over, the downforce on a indy cara t 150 mph theroreticly is enough to drive upside down on a bridge
/ whatever and still out perform a sports car. down force is air pushing on body panels/ wings ect on a full frame car that
has a roll bar is only alowed 1 removable bar that is located across the door on the diriver side. the shoulder bar on a roll
cage must be at shoulder level or 4 inches down for it to be legal. how a motor works- ok i dont know all of this but i know
most of it- ok the starter is activated by the key, and sparks the spark plug, and fuel is injetid in to the motor,and
the piston moves down,wich moves the crankshaft rod wich moves a chain that is connected to the cam shaft,
when the cam shaft turns it pushis against the lifters, wich push aganst the push rods, the push rods push against
the rocher amrms, the rocker arms are ona spring that pushis it back down in the spring there is a rod, or the vavle
that pushes down, and it lets fuel in to the motor, then the piston moves up and the fuel compressed then it is lit,
then it pushes the piston back down, then exoust vavle is opened with the same process, this contiues over and over, the connection
rod turns the transmission, and the transmission turn the driveshaft with gears. technickly a car can run without vavle covers,
the only thing that would happen is oil spilling all over the place. in the 60-80 people made vavle covers that were clear
so that you could see the rockers move up and down. cam shafts have 16 lobes on them for a v8, they half of them are shaped
difrently, 8 for exoust,8 for fuel. there are 2 difrent types of push rods, rollers a smooth, rollers have a small ball on
the end of it alowing for less friction but are less durable, smooth tips are a solid rod, more friction but more durible.
performace rocker arms have no better qalitys than a stock chevy motor rocker arms. if you ever go to a drag race, and
look at the pro mods, at the begging of a race you can see a stream of white stuff coming out from just below the windshield,
this is the purging vavle for nitrus, contary to though this is not nitrous oxide, it is air that is pushed out of the nitrous
lines.a supercharger is the same as a blower, the supercharger is just a name for a blower that is belt drivin. a good difrence
to tell a biger cubic inch for a smaller hemi, is the smaller cu in has sparkplug wires traveling from left to right
and the biger cubic inched moters go from right to left. nitro powered funnycars/dragsters get more power from there engenes
if they hook up, or otherwise get more tracktion, becouse the engine reacts to pressure in such a way as to at idol
the car may produce 8000, while if it where pulling against somthing and not moveing it would be producing about 8500, this
is due to the fact that nitro methane has such qualities in that if you threw a match in a puddle of it, it wouldnt explode,
but if you put a drop on the ground, and hit it with the hammer it will explode, therefor while inside the cylinder of the
engine as there is more pressure applied to the piston to move the more pressure put on the fuel, making it explode with more
force than when jsut ingnited with a spark plug. the average modern nitro funny car or dragster produces about 8000 horsepower
at the back wheels, its kind of like this, emagine a production honda sedan, then amagine the power that tat pruduces times
80 or in other words emagine it with 80 engines and still weigh about the same that it did before, harley earl was the chief
of desine at gm's automotive desine area, harley earl desined classics like many of the caddilacs, but he also made many concept
cars as well, he rode in the first lesabre, it was his daily driver and it was a hit but was never produced in mass, he also
made the firebird 1, firebird 2, and firebird 3, they where all futuristic cars powerd by a gas turbine engine, the lesbre
that harley earl desined had 2 gas tanks, one stored regular gas and the other alcohal, when the car was at idol it just used
regular gas but when you went at high speeds the alcohal kicked in and gave in a extra boost of power, john delorian was chief
of staff and desine for the GTO project, later he was cought in a 24 million dallar drug skandle sting and was sentinced to
jail, the only years of the chevy vega that was produced as a cosworth was 1974-1977, there is 2 types of lifters,
rollers and regular, rollers have a axle on the end of them that has a metal wheel on it, as is rools along the cam shaft
it moves up and down, a regular lifter or a solid lifter, is just a lifter that dosend have a rolling ball
on the end, one way to tell if the motor is a solid lifter or rolling lifter without looking at the lifters is to
look at the camshaft, if the lobes on it have very steep inclines on them its a solid lifter, if the lobes are more rounded
then it is a roller. on most alcohal funnycars and dragsters if where the push rod conects to the rocker arm lacks
luberication for just a moment during a run the end of the push rod turns blue from the heat, and if it gets to
hot, it could break. i have alot more but i think this is enough for now
You know you have too much HP when.......
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the
rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4.
You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance
than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8.
You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10.
Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12.
You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the
office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15.
You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if
"they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are
not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested
in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22.
You need parachute braking.
23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24 There is no possible way
to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door
is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters
of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't
everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there
to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
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a freand gives you the idea for a prank
a good freand watches out for you while you pulling the prank
but a best freand was the one that helped you tip the princepils ford
-------wich leads to--------
A friend will call you in Jail. A good friend will visit you in Jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you
in Jail saying..."THAT WAS AWESOME!"
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